Tuesday, September 4

Being left behind….

I remember one day I decided to forgive my parents for not earning their titles, for leaving me behind and all of that jazz.  Pops goes he stays out of my way and he doesn’t push, I guess because my grandmother is a go between or our personal translator.  As far as my mother is concerned she just won’t quit.  She just pushes all the time and I do not like to be pushed.  I hate to see the dreaded little red notification of like a evelope on Facebook that lets you know you have a message.  Nine times out of ten it is her saying, “call me”.  That really sets off my anxiety.  I go through the what is it because it is not going to be a pleasant conversation or none of that.  I call anyway for the simple fact it may be about my brother.  It never is it’s always some convoluted ploy to get on my nerves. 
She usually says the same thing like have you talked to 145367963 people that I don’t care about and they don’t care about me.  I know I sound cold but when you have been abandoned by the people who promised to love you the most it’s kinda hard to be warm for those people.  Others I have plenty of compassion for, but I just do not have any attachment to them.  Most of my life I had no feelings.  Like I was numb.  I went through life like a blur.  If it wasn’t for a calendar or Jack McCall telling the news in the morning I wouldn’t know or care what day it was.  Then I met my husband then came my daughter then I got “my life”. 
So I call.  Are you coming up here?  For the millionth time no.  I don’t like going to strange places.  I bet you say, but that is your mother, and I say to that…I don’t know her like that.  She says, call your brother, I say why.  He’s not talking to me.  I’m thinking I wouldn’t be either but I don’t want my days shortened. Me: “Why isn’t he talking to you? Her: because I won’t stop smoking and drinking beer d he says that’s what killed our uncle(her brother).  Me:  Ok, what is your decision? Her:  well ya’ll can’t force me to quit cold turkey.  Me: talk to your doctor and get some patches maybe.  Me thinking to myself (You owe it to him anyway (my brother) for several reasons I am not mentioning)  Her:  well if ya’ll keep pressuring me I’m not going to do it.  Me…..Have a great day….